Adopted Monkey a Quicker Learner than Human Son
December 11, 2008 by Kevin Brockman
For the Patterman’s, maybe adopting a monkey wasn’t the right thing to do. Initially, the plan for the Patterman’s was to have Peter the monkey do household chores and help out in the garden. Purchased from bazaar in Morocco during a family trip in 2007, Peter has proven to be far more capable and “son-worthy” than actual human son Leeighe (pronounced Li).
“The frightening thing is that the more capable and skilled Peter becomes, the less I love my own son,” Mrs. Patterman confessed. “Peter is so much less work. He’s always picking through his own hair and cleaning himself and even learned how to ride a bike on the first try. I still have to bathe Leeighe myself, though I do like to bathe Peter sometimes.”
Mr. Patterman’s shared his wife’s sentiments but chose his comments more carefully. “I really do love Leeighe,” Mr. Patterman answered in a measured tone but with shifty eyes that betrayed him. “He is every bit as special and important to this family as Peter.”
Neighbors of the Patterman’s have already noticed the family’s shift in focus from Leeighe to Peter. Gina Tiddlewink had this to say, “I always see Mr. Patterman playing catch in the backyard with Peter. It’s hard not to notice. They are always laughing and taking banana breaks. Sometimes I see Leeighe looking out the window,” Gina trailed off.
Perhaps the most telling sign that the Patterman’s are more pleased with Peter than Leeighe is the family’s plan to return to Morocco for a Christmas vacation this year. Reports around the neighborhood and specifically from local peeping tom Rogerto Sinese also seem to indicate that the Patterman’s have stopped trying to have a second human child. “The blinds are always open,” a slithery Rogerto told us through the crack in the door he refused to open. “There be nothing to see anymore.” Neighborhood speculation believes that trip is a way to get another monkey into the house.
Regardless of whether or not Peter is truly a quicker learner than Leeighe, it’s clear that the Patterman’s have thrown in their hopes with primates. Let’s just hope that Peter is able to take care of the Patterman’s once they need help getting into an old folks home. Too bad monkeys don’t live that long.
First of all Rogerto Sinese dont know a thing about my spreading the seed and stuff. I may not want another little runt around here but that dont mean im not tryin. Ever since we had leeighe ive been layin pipe hard to satisfy that monk-i mean that woman, my wife of course….. heh heh… And the truth is that leeighe dont really bathe, cas hes too shifty whenever it comes to bathtime. Usually he and that crazy wif-i mean monkey of mine are off in the back yard diggin holes and hidin their food and stuff. yaaar i don know what im talkin abou
I really wish I knew who Danger Dad Doug was, so I could plant a shiv … I mean, a gentle pat, on his back . Ah Brockman, another fine piece of reporting. Seems like those Patterman’s are quite the crazy bunch. As a matter of fact, I think I know a family who’s name resembles theirs. Coincedently, I’ve just forwarded the link of this fine website to their email account.
Danger Dad Doug: there will be no lamb for you this year!