Brodeur Injury Linked to Sharp Increase in Domestic Violence
November 18, 2008 by Kevin Brockman
When it was revealed last week that New Jersey Devil’s goaltender Martin Brodeur would undergo surgery to repair a ruptured bicep tendon nobody could have foreseen the devastating effect if would have on fantasy poolies’ loved ones.
This terrible blow to the New Jersey Devil’s has turned into a multitude of blows to the faces and bodies of loved ones across Canada. Following news of Brodeur’s departure from the game on Saturday there was a massive spike in domestic verbal and physical assaults. The first reported Brodeur-injury related domestic incident occurred only minutes after Brodeur left the game with the Devil’s enjoying a comfortable 6-0 lead in the third period. In Niagra Falls, sheriff Cody Badges received a call that he could only describe as “chilling.” According to Badges, a distraught woman had called into the office and was panic-stricken after her boyfriend had thrown a lamp through the front window of their apartment. “She was crying hysterically, I didn’t know what she was evening saying until she calmed down and locked herself into the bathroom. She kept on mumbling about Martin. I thought something had happened to our Prime Minister,” Badges explained.
Unfortunately, it appears that the incident reported by Badges was not
isolated and calls across Canada poured into local law enforcement agencies that evening. “It was unbelievable,” 9-11 operator Lippy St-Pierre from Parskville told us exclusively in a phone interview. “My switchboard lit up like a Christmas tree. Only instead of presents under the tree there was nothing but closed handed slaps and screams.” Confused, the Daily Seagull contacted another, more coherent 9-11 operator in Edmonton to explain the dramatic increase in calls. “Yes, you are correct in thinking that the calls were related to acts of domestic violence,” Jim Longsbottom confirmed. “You know, I can understand some of it to be honest. When you just find out that your fantasy goalie has left a game in the 3rd period when he was working on a shutout, you kind of lose it. In most fantasy leagues that’s a huge 5 points. That’s not the time for your wife and kids to start asking questions or getting in your face.”
Using sophisticated computer technology, the Daily Seagull has managed to create a visual representation of the number of calls directly related to Brodeur’s injury over a time period running from Thursday, October 30th until Thursday, November 6th. The figures are staggering. As depicted in the graph, their is a clear spike in violence starting on Saturday, the day Brodeur initially was injured. Interestingly, as news came in that Brodeur had only suffered a “bruised elbow,” a period of calm followed the incident for a period of several days. But then the news broke in what is now being described in hockey pool circles as DD-Day. That’s right, Domestic Disturbance Day. Wednesday, November 5th will forever be remembered by wives, girlfriends, children and pets across Canada as the day their husband, boyfriend, son or owner completely lost their minds.
On November 5th, team doctors for the New Jersey Devils announced that star goalie Martin Brodeur would go under the knife and be lost to the team for up to 4 months. It only took minutes for 9-11 switchboards to light up. “It was beautiful,” St-Pierre described. Longsbottom,
Brodeur owner Christof Jonas receiving the injury news
however, didn’t share St-Pierre’s views. “Brodeur getting injured was the single greatest tragedy in Canadian history. He was working towards the all-time wins record, the shutout record and a chance to play in the All-star game in his home town of Montreal.”
However, not everyone is unhappy about Brodeur’s injury woes. Revlon, maker of cover-up and other foundation products was delighted with the massive rise in domestic violence. Company public relations spokesperson Devon Skanky had this to say, “the huge increase in sales of cover-up over the period of Brodeur’s injury has been staggering. We are even thinking about hiring some sort of hit squad…think Tanya Harding…to go and find Alexander Ovechkin or Sidney Crosby. Think of the sales!”
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