Weekly Crap: February 6

Hey Seagullians, below are some of the best links we’ve received over the past week.  Thanks to everyone for sending them in! Read more

Weekly Crap: Super Bowl Weekend

At The Daily Seagull, our inbox is always full from people sending us crazy links from all over the world wide web. Read more

I was Jaywalking when it Hit Me

Think back to joyous times of yesteryear, watching as gas-guzzling Ford Expeditions and V8 military equipped HUM-Vs lurched forward taking up both lanes of a one way street in search of that pivotal over-sized parking space. Read more

Desolate Globe: A Three Hour Tour at Gilligan’s Backpackers

The following is an extract from Desolate Globe: Australia, the popular travel series written by Joe Nathan for people like Joe Nathan.

The turtle moved gracefully; its’ green features standing out from the colorful surrounding reef.  Freshly surfaced, it smelled of a mix of sea water and David Beckham cologne.  The sounds were distinct: a knock on the shell, the swish from its’ flailing arms, and a gentle groan, much like an old man getting hit in the crotch.  The legs were chewy, and tasted like overdone curry chicken.

This was my first taste of fresh turtle caught with my bare hands, less than ten minutes before on the Great Barrier Reef.

Cairn is located in tropical northern Queensland, Australia.  Pronounced “kanz” by Australians, “carens” by Americans, and “sars” by Joe Nathan (I thought the “c” had an “s” sound like cereal, and the “i” and “n” were silent), it’s the unofficial capital of the Great Barrier Reef.  It’s the best, easiest, and most affordable way to access the magical reefs and witness the treasures they posses.

Catching a ride to the reef can be expensive.  The cheapest and most exciting way to go is to float in the water just outside the marina.  When a yacht cruises by, you swim to it and hang on.

On this particular day, I tagged a ride with a catamaran name Passions of Paradise.  The trip to the reef was especially relaxing as the winds wept the sails; however, three minutes were spent going through a swarm of box jellyfish.  Those scars will never heal, both physically and mentally.

Back on the mainland, I found accommodation in a swank youth hostel called Gilligan’s Backpackers.  It had many luxuries that most hostels don’t include: a complimentary towel, separate rooms for the shower and toilet, and a bed.

I was privileged to share a room with three “whingering” (Australian for whining/complaining) Pommie (Australian for English people) girls (Australian for females).  They were overweight, ugly and smoked a pack of cigarettes in one sitting.  They were Joe Nathan’s kind of girls.

While I was writing a postcard home, one of the girls was celebrating her birthday and clearly had too much to drink.

Here is the postcard I wrote”:

Hey Sis, I in Big Reef Australia.  I catch big fish.  I saw turtle.  I eated ice cream.  Swam me.  Girl in bathroom go throw up now.  I eated turtle.  Girl come out of bathroom and hit her Kiwi boyfriend.  Not the fruit, the New Zealand guy.  The reef is a natural wonder world.  Girl leaves and Kiwi upset.  This time the fruit.  Just kidding.  Kiwi guy is really angry, and is ripping up her teddy bear.  On no, it’s now in a million pieces.  She’s going to be upset… Wait a minute, that’s my teddy bear. Luvs and Hugs, Joe Nathan.

In the morning, I got up to use the bathroom.  It was a mess.  I don’t think I’ve seen that many carrots in a grocery store.  How does someone get puke on the ceiling?

That toilet was obsolete, so I raced downstairs to use the toilet by the pool.  Oh yeah, this hostel had a pool!  I closed the door, and let out a sigh.  I made it.

“Oh no!” There was no toilet paper left!

“Oh no!” The door handle had broken off!

“Oh no!” I’m locked in!

Fortunately, I still had the postcard in my pocket.

After 3 hours of screaming, kicking and crying, a little Japanese boy of about 6 years old rescued me by opening the door from the other end.  I chased him down to give him a hug, and then went to find a mailbox.

Sorry Sis, I probably shouldn’t have sent that.

Desolate Globe: A Venice Fish

The following is an extract from Desolate Globe: Italy, the popular travel series written by Joe Nathan for people like Joe Nathan. Read more

Cats: Why do they exist?

Ever since I was little, my family has had cats.   Read more

Opinion: My Grandma Has More Hockey Sense Than Mike Gillis

Dear Editor, it is with the utmost disgust that I write today about the current state of affairs of the Vancouver Canucks. Read more

If the Presidential Candidates Were Technology, What Would They Be?

Voting ain’t easy. Especially if you’re an American. Read more

How to Stop Teen Loitering

Are you having problems with groups of teens loitering outside your front door? I know I am. That’s why I got the Mosquito Alarm, an electronic device which emits an ultrasonic sound, similar to the buzz of a mosquito. Read more