In a statement released on his website, Cheetah discussed the move.

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that his infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all his wife and children.  I want to say to everyone that I am almost positive he would ask for forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage he’s done, but I want to do my best to support him.  I would like to ask everyone, including his fans,   his business partners, the PGA Tour, those 20 gorgeous women and his fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that his family has the time, privacy, and safe haven they will need for personal healing.

I wish him the best of luck in his endeavors.  For now, my plan is to join the PGA Tour and strengthen the Cheetah brand.  At Tiger’s request, I will accept his wish that I never again wear a red golf shirt that’s two sizes too tight.

The name change has resulted in the expected a storm of controversy.

“I don’t think that it’s a good idea,” says Rogerto Nosital , part-time electrician and full-time busy body.  “My fear is that Cheetah is so good that he might be good enough to challenge some of Tiger’s records.  We can’t have two athletes at the top of the sport with names like Tiger and Cheetah can we?  Will we?  Are you looking at me?”

“That mother pheasant plucker!” a man in a chair with two big wheels cursed after seeing the news.  “He thinks he knows adversity, I’ll show hi-”  The rest of the interview was cut off when he chose not to follow us down the flight of stairs which we took in six or seven steps at a time for a quarter mile, giving our legs an excellent workout.

Terra Bluth, a well respected professional petite canine masseuse and cavity cleansers’ junior assistant from Kitsilano, Vancouver was more concerned about the cats.  “How long will it take before I can’t say Cheetah without crying my eyes out and cursing the world?”  Bluth goes on to ponder, “but I think that Cheetah’s are faster than Tigers right?”

This publication looked into just that question and has watched the video below over 13 times to find the answer. The Tiger is way faster.

I’m Kevin Brockman.
Order Of Feline: Tiger and Cheetah

Start here folks!#@*(^

Could a deal be in the works?  Yes, Crosby to the Thrashers (E5!!)

I have the most challenging job on the planet having to keep track of 30 NHL teams!!  But it is so rewarding and challenging in the a challenging kind of way that I can’t help but smile when I think of all the possibilities!  I know litterly KAJILLIONS of sources that I can tap at a moments notice.  I get so many textings in a day that it’s hard to tell you guys everything!  It just blows my mind!  Unreal!!!

Just a quick hit here from a KREDIBLE source that just TEXTED me the flowallowing:

“I don’t know how this deal couldn’t happen when Atlanta can offer up stars like Kovalchuk, Peverly, Enstrom and about 10 draft picks.  The Pens would be foolish not to consider this deal.”

This comes for a VERY reliable source that I have trusted for close to 10 decades.  He has never been wrong about anything and I would willingly put the barrel of a gun he loaded into my mouth if he told me there were no bullets.  THAT is how POWERFULLY reliable it IS.

I know this one seems a little far-fetched but Atlanta may just be desperate enough to bring the young phenom in.  I’ve been watching Atlanta play for years and they have the best fans ever.  They totally deserve this.  Kudos to the entire organization for this one.  Great job!  You Atlantians are in for a real treat when Sydney comes to town.

All of my kids are SICK today and I’m having some dog problems so I’m going to have to update you on my later.

Oh ya, also looking into a rumored MAJOR deal with Edmonton and Calgary…and I mean MAJOR KABLAGER!   I am telling you…the Flames have a way. The rumours of them already putting a plan in place to move some big money can NOT be ignored.  Not ever.

More to come tonight.

Stay tuned for more including a Hockeybuzzcast at 5 pm…

More to come.

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Bettman, who is commissioner of the NHL, has decided to put an end to this plague of entertaining goal celebrations.  Starting next season, any player who over-celebrates a goal will be fined for the first offense, and then suspended for any subsequent offenses.

“What Ovechkin did last week was unacceptable,” said Bettman.  “We are trying to attract fans to this sport, and the last thing we need is an entertaining hockey player who puts smiles on children’s faces and promotes the game of hockey to a greater audience.  It’s disgusting.”

Bettman was even more concerned with the way that Ovechkin’s goal celebration went viral on the internet.

“His goal and subsequent celebration was getting millions of hits on YouTube.  This isn’t what the NHL needs.  The NHL needs to continue to only post videos on YouTube that either involve a violent cheap shot or a fight resulting in a serious injury.”

Under the new rule, after a goal is scored the player is allowed to raise one arm in the air and distribute a maximum of three high-fives to his team-mates.  Exceptions are made for overtime and record breaking goals as a player is allowed to raise both arms in the air and may acknowledge the crowd with a smile.

Under special circumstances a player is allowed to drop to one knee and give a fist pump.  These special circumstances include a hat-trick goal or an empty-netter that clinches a playoff position for their respective team.

Fans are also being encouraged to report any incidents of over-celebrating to the NHL.  They can call 1-800-NO-SMILES for more information.

The 100 date tour is in support of McGee’s first original song entitled “Change Spares Some”.  The song title is a clever play on words to Mcgee’s favorite saying, which is ‘spare some change’.  It is McGee’s first ever tour, and job.

McGee, who is no stranger to financial challenges, is making an extra effort to ensure all of his fans can afford to see him during these tough economic times.

“I’ve worked very hard to make sure that all Skippy McGee fans can see me for a reasonable price, with a guaranteed great view,” said McGee.  “In fact, the ticket price is up to the fans, but I recommend at least a dollar.  I gotsta eat.”

McGee has also decided not to sell tickets through Ticketmaster.  Instead, he’s going to bring along his dog, named ‘Mister Ticket’, who will wander through the crowds and bite anyone that doesn’t give McGee some money.

The opening act for the tour will be a guy named Steve.  He doesn’t play music, but he can climb trees and street-poles in addition to being able to do one-armed push-ups upon request.

The opening date for the tour is on a street corner in New Westminster sometime in June.  Get on your boots everyone, Skippy McGee is coming to a town near you.

But rest assured gentlemen, The Daily Seagull is here to help.

We’ve put together the most romantic song and video of all time that is guaranteed to sweep a woman off her feet.  This video has been proven to work magic in even the most difficult situations.  Steve, from Vancouver, wrote this after showing it to his girlfriend:

“The other night I completely forgot about our anniversary, which is also her birthday, and I went out and got plastered with the boys and watched the Canucks lose.  When I got home the next day she was pretty upset.  But then I showed her this video and suddenly we stared into eachother’s eyes and it felt like the first time we ever met, at the Roxy.  Thanks Daily Seagull!”

Charles, from Victoria, is also a successful user of this video.

“I had this crush on this girl for years, but I only ever got to see her in court when she was applying for the restraining order.  Then one day I created a fake email account and emailed this video link to her.  She replied to the email, “Who is this?”  But I know that she really meant to say “I love you”.  Thanks Daily Seagull.”

Try the video out below, and let us know how if you experience the same success!

Sundini has spent the past month perfecting a routine that is breathtaking, jaw-dropping and heart-breaking.  He is already being compared to his idols, the amazing Harry Houdini and Mark Messier.

Throughout the show, Sundini will be joined by his lovely assistants (two red-headed Swedish twins), a large balding man who looks like is about erupt (Veeeeen-Yoooooo the Vollllll – Canoooooooo), and a rehabilitated orca (that remains remarkably still throughout the show) named Fin.

The Daily Seagull was privileged to witness a sneak preview of the show.  Actually, we witnessed several sneak previews that were shown on television on CBC, TSN and Sportsnet.

The official show itinerary has been released and Sundini will perform the following illusions:

Escape from a Straight Jacket

Sundini will appear at center ice during loud screaming and singing.  A man in a striped shirt will wrap Sundini in a straight jacket.  He will then spend 20 or so minutes with his arms locked, making no attempt to free himself.  Finally, after the enthusiasm for the trick has worn off, he will release himself.  A few people in the crowd will awkwardly clap.

Swedish Levitation

After freeing himself from the straight jacket, Sundini will immediately begin his next trick.  He will levitate off the ice surface, and begin slowly floating around.  The most amazing part of this trick is how slowly he floats, and how he can do it for so long.

Walking through Walls

Sundini usually burns himself out from all the floating, so he begins his next trick, walking through the boards.  This saves the Great Sundini huge amounts of energy as he no longer has to lift his big legs over the boards to get on or off the ice surface.

Sawing a Hockey Stick in Half

As the performance is nearing its end, usually with less than 5 minutes to go, Sundini will prove his greatness once again.  He will magically saw a stick in half.  But he will mask the illusion by pretending to break it over a volunteer’s back.  Pure showmanship.

Chinese Water Torture Box

The Chinese water torture box trick always immediately follows the sawing of the stick in half.  Sundindi will be trapped in a small box, filled with many water bottles.  He will have to escape in less than two minutes.  If not, a Chinese man waiting behind the box will jump in, start yelling at him, and begin squirting Sundini with one of the water bottles.  Sundini always escapes with plenty of time to spare.

Cash Vanish

With the help of his lovely twin assistants, Sundini will have $5.6 million cash spread across the ice.  In front of the +18,000 under zealous patrons, The Great Sundini will finish his show with his greatest trick of all.  He will make the case disappear!

After the show is finished, Sundini will also vanish.  Possibly to the same place as the $5.6 million.  No one knows exactly where he disappears to.  However, reports have surfaced of a laughing skier on Whistler Mountain that fits The Great Sundini’s description.

Has anyone else seen any of his tricks?

Representatives from the Comedians of America Foundation (CAF) believe that Barrack Obama could spark a Comedy Recession.  They estimate that approximately 7,500 Comedians may lose their jobs in 2009 due to a lack of original and funny material. Even more concerning is over the past year studies have shown that the majority of Americans now prefer ‘hoping’ over ‘laughing’.

John Stewart, the Chairman of CAF, has been the most boisterous about the potential recession and is concerned about his own livelihood.

“I agree that Barrack Obama is a good for America and for the world.  The problem for us comedians is, he’s just not that funny,” said Stewart, with a clenched fist.  “He’s smart, a great leader and he has squeaky clean wholesome image.  But what are we supposed to make fun of?  His ears?  I’m scared.”

Over the last decade the comedy industry has skyrocketed.  The “Comedy Boom” started with Bill Clinton and the Monica Lewinsky scandal which snowballed into the 2000 Presidential election debacle.  Comedians then struck gold when George W. Bush was declared winner and President.  Insiders suggest that without George W. Bush the Comedy industry wouldn’t have expanded by at least 10,000 new employees and inspired of over 50 million jokes over the past eight years.

But with the exit of George W. Bush comes a drought of funny material.  And since less people are laughing, the demand for comedy drops which triggers the recession.

“It’s too bad we don’t have George Bush anymore,” said Stewart. “In the past I could have just walked on stage with a picture of him and I’d have the crowd laughing for hours without saying a word.”

“I also had a really funny joke about the plane crashing down on the Hudson River and George Bush accusing Canadian Terrorist Geese for the cause of the crash, and then declaring war on Canada Ducks Unlimited.  But it’s just not as funny with Obama. Cause everyone knows that Obama probably sent a letter to the deceased geese’s family and apologized for the unfortunate events.  He’s probably having lunch with them right now.  How can we make a joke about that?”

Meanwhile, in Canada, the Comedy industry has never been stronger.  Thanks Stephen Harper.

This week, to celebrate the inauguration of the new President, we’re going American and reviewing Miller High Life.  Enjoy!

Beer: Miller High Life.  Easily one of the best packaged beers available.  There’s just something appealing about the clear bottle, it looks exactly the way a bottle of beer should look.  It’s the type of beer you would drink after you tar the roof of the prison, a Shawshank Beer.

Price (6-pack before taxes): We purchased a 12-pack for $9.90.  So the 6-pack would be $4.45.  You gotta love the price of beer in America.  How can you afford not to drink?

Slogan: Miller High Life easily has the best slogan ever:  “The Champagne of Beers“.  It works on so many levels.  I wonder if there’s a champagne company in France whose slogan is “The Miller High Life of Champagne“.  Cause that would be awesome.

Quality: Miller High Life doesn’t really have a distinct taste, in fact, it doesn’t really have a taste at all.  It’s like drinking a tall glass of cold yellow water that makes you feel good.

Social Acceptability: The combination of the great name (High Life) and slogan (Champagne of Beers) make it a great conversation topic at parties.  People will be impressed at your dedication that you brought it across the border.  It’s also one of those rare beers where you can brag about how little you paid for it and not sound incredibly cheap.

You:  “I paid 12$ for a 24 pack of High Life”

Everyone else:  “You’re the man!”

Some other guy:  “But I paid $15 for this case of Budweiser”

Everyone else: “Get the hell out of this party.  Who even invited you?  I bet Ben invited you, cause Ben always invites losers to parties.”

Unique Factor: According to beer historians, Miller High Life got its ‘champagne’ slogan from its high level of carbonation, which makes it a very bubbly filled beverage, like champagne.  And if that doesn’t impress you, there’s also a picture of a babe on the beer logo sitting on the moon.

Final Score: 4.5 beers out of a 6 pack.  Next time you’re in America, check it out!

Bonus Drinking Game: This is also a great way to enjoy Miller High Life!

The couple, who already have three adopted children and three biological children, are planning to travel to the Pacific Northwest this weekend to adopt the middle-aged man, named Greg Heally.

Greg is currently living in a bachelor suite on the east side of town and works in a local supermarket as an assistant manager.  He spends most of his time playing his X-Box.

The adoption insider claims that Brad and Angelina saw a picture of the 36 year old man and immediately fell in love with his round belly and receding hairline.

In the summer of 2008 both Brad and Angelina were quoted as saying ‘that their family would not be complete without a full grown man-child.  The other children need someone they can look up to.’

Greg’s biological parents, Susan and Michael Heally, were surprised to learn about the potential adoption. They found out by watching it on Entertainment Tonight while, ironically, they were having their regular Monday night meatloaf dinner with Greg, their only child.

“We were pretty surprised to see that our son was being adopted,” said Susan, and she spooned another slice of meatloaf onto Greg’s plate.  “We always dreamed that one day he would be successful, and since he’s not, we all know the next best thing is to be adopted by successful people.  It’s the Third World Country Dream”

When Brad and Angelina officially become Greg’s parents they plan on renaming him to ‘Grex’.

“The frightening thing is that the more capable and skilled Peter becomes, the less I love my own son,” Mrs. Patterman confessed.  “Peter is so much less work.  He’s always picking through his own hair and cleaning himself and even learned how to ride a bike on the first try.  I still have to bathe Leeighe myself, though I do like to bathe Peter sometimes.”

Mr. Patterman’s shared his wife’s sentiments but chose his comments more carefully.  “I really do love Leeighe,” Mr. Patterman answered in a measured tone but with shifty eyes that betrayed him. “He is every bit as special and important to this family as Peter.”

Neighbors of the Patterman’s have already noticed the family’s shift in focus from Leeighe to Peter.  Gina Tiddlewink had this to say, “I always see Mr. Patterman playing catch in the backyard with Peter.  It’s hard not to notice.  They are always laughing and taking banana breaks.  Sometimes I see Leeighe looking out the window,” Gina trailed off.

Perhaps the most telling sign that the Patterman’s are more pleased with Peter than Leeighe is the family’s plan to return to Morocco for a Christmas vacation this year.  Reports around the neighborhood and specifically from local peeping tom Rogerto Sinese also seem to indicate that the Patterman’s have stopped trying to have a second human child.  “The blinds are always open,” a slithery Rogerto told us through the crack in the door he refused to open.  “There be nothing to see anymore.”  Neighborhood speculation believes that trip is a way to get another monkey into the house.

Regardless of whether or not Peter is truly a quicker learner than Leeighe, it’s clear that the Patterman’s have thrown in their hopes with primates.  Let’s just hope that Peter is able to take care of the Patterman’s once they need help getting into an old folks home.  Too bad monkeys don’t live that long.