Delicious Pineapple Squirrels Face Extinction Expert Warns
October 9, 2008 by Kevin Brockman
Extreme tastiness, ferocious cocktails and urban drunkenness could make the rare pineapple squirrels extinct within four years environmentalists are warning.
Alarms about the demise of the delicious woodland creatures, which gather nuts and eat only pure sugar cane, have been raised before.
But Cody Smith, chief executive office of the British Columbia Pineapple Squirrel Foundation, believes the animal’s plight is as bad as he’s seen it in his 40 years as a pineapple squirrel advocate.
“When an animal is as tasty as the pineapple squirrel, it tends to have a lot of predators,” Smith says while drinking a pineapple squirrel cocktail. “Unfortunately for these little guys they are scrumptious in desserts, drinks and even just raw. The pineapple squirrels future is obviously bleak.”
“Kamloops has the strongest pineapple squirrel population in the world and dwindling numbers in the area could spell disaster for the species,” said Smith.
The biggest threat to pineapple squirrels isn’t a loss of habitat or scarcity of food. “The pineapple squirrel situation is unique in that they just evolved into something far too tasty. I mean, sure they are cute but so are lambs. I had a fabulous lamb dinner last night,” Smith explains.
While it remains to be seen if the mouth-watering pineapple squirrel can fend off extinction it is clear that the threats they face are real. Several hundred pineapple squirrel carcasses were found in the woods over the weekend and the savagery with which they were eaten is sickening. “It’s hard to stop eating them once you start,” Smith continues, “the latest craze is to put out bowls of pure vodka or rum and watch the squirrels drink up. As the pineapple squirrels begin to pass out they can be eaten alive for an incredible buzz.”
Too bad about the pineapple squirrel but at least it will give the maraschino cherry snail a bit of a break. The species has been hanging on by a thread due to the predation of the squirrel, a non-native species thought to have been brought across the Pacific from Hawaii in the second diaspora of Pacific Islanders.
Strongest population in Kamloops, British Columbia? I’ve seen many of these juicy critters in all corners of “The Best Place on Earth”. That’s why we call it the “The Best Place on Earth”! hmmmmm where did I put my Pina Colada!
I have a pineapple squirrel at home. I’m fattening it up with some vodka and rum as per Cody Smith. Once the population is all but extinct, Wham! I sell that pineapple squirrel for a cool million.