Desolate Globe: A Venice Fish
October 25, 2008 by Joe Nathan
The following is an extract from Desolate Globe: Italy, the popular travel series written by Joe Nathan for people like Joe Nathan.
“Marco!” … “Marco!” … “Marco!” he exclaims, as he winds blindly through the narrow alleys in historic Venice. Finally, after whispers of ‘weirdo’, ‘wackjob’, and ‘wtf’, he hears what he’s been searching for.
“Polo!”
Excited, he leaps toward the sound, bouncing like an antelope, until finally there is no ground beneath his feet. Just air.
“Splash” … in the famed Venice canal.
So begins my adventure in Venice, or Venezia if you speak Italian. Don’t worry though; no one actually speaks Italian in Italy, they just yell really loud.
The smell of the canal waters is intoxicating, much like that of a campground outhouse. Human waste and dead rats float by, some sticking onto my clothing. It’s great to see that modern technology has not ruined Venice. The city is dirty, and decrepit as it was when Marco Polo floated on the canals 750 years ago.
After the wonderful start, I wandered through the lanes until I found the hostel I had reservations for: A Venice Fish. It was a memorable stay.
The beds were filled with more dirt than a garden shop and the bathrooms were as flooded as New Orleans during Katrina.
The continental breakfast consisted of plain crackers that could be seasoned with either salt or pepper, but not both. This was my kind of meal … A ‘Number 4′ on the Joe Nathan menu.
There were a few sketchy Americans hanging about, pretending to read, laugh and drink beers. I called them ’sketchoes.’ I was afraid they might steal my backpack when I left, so I hid it in the garbage and set off.
Exploring the city is any romantic’s dream. There is wonderful splendor in the canals, the bridges and the gondolas. At one point, being so overcome with emotion, I was caught holding hands with a Turkish man. To break the tension, I leaned in for a kiss.
The love did not stop with the Turkish man. I found many small, ragged children running up to me and giving me hugs. There little hands exploring all pockets. I was so relieved to see my wallet end up in a responsible Gypsy woman’s hands. She would be able to fairly distribute my Euros to all the children.
I found Piazza San Marco and walked aimlessly around the square, eating a pigeon-flavored gelato (it was all I could afford). “Mmmmmmm, pigeon-flavored gelato.” Stumbling, I stumbled across a sign that said “No Eating, No Sitting, and No Waste.”
Joe Nathan sat down, ate his gelato and littered.
That’s how Joe Nathan rolls.
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