Desolate Globe: An AmsterDAMN Good Day
November 16, 2008 by Joe Nathan
The following is an extract from Desolate Globe: The Netherlands, the popular travel series written by Joe Nathan, for people like Joe Nathan.
It was well past midnight when my train arrived in Amsterdam. I was tired and sore, yet excited to see normal civilized people again; I had just left France.
At the train station, I stepped onto a random tram, and spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to purchase a ticket. It was strange, because I only stayed on the tram for 12 minutes. I spent the last three minutes trying to put euros into a street sign. Fortunately, a stranger asked if he could help, so I handed him my wallet. I never saw him again.
It was a cold night, and instead of sleeping in a bush (also called A Joe Nathan Bed), I found a hostel near the park called StayOkay. The hostel was just like it’s name … Okay.
Arriving late in a hostel is an awkward event. You walk into a dark room, with many people sleeping. Most people try to stay quiet and limit the distractions. Joe Nathan likes to walk in, turn on the lights, blow an air horn, and start screaming, “FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!”
I find it’s a good way to break the ice, and make friends.
The sleep was rough. There was someone in the room who had bad ‘gas’. By bad, I mean gas mask bad, ‘I think you should go see a doctor bad’, WWI bad. It was so bad, I thought it was the person below me in the bunk bed. It turned out to be a Korean boy who was sleeping at the far end of the room. I guess he couldn’t handle the Western cuisine. I feel bad for the Brazilian dude in the bunk above him. The good news is, he never felt any pain.
In the morning, StayOkay provided a complimentary breakfast. There were signs warning people against taking food away for lunch. This gave me an idea. I was going to take food away for lunch.
I started stuffing bread, meat and cheese down my pants. It got a bit overwhelming, especially when I added honey. A staff member approached me, I just pretended that I could only speak Dutch, so he had no idea what I was saying.
After packing my lunch in my pants, I headed off for the first stop of the day. Most people visit the standard tourist attractions like the Anne Frank house, the Rijksmuseum, the Van Gogh Museum or the Dam Square. I could look up those places on the internet. For me, the first stop was a trip to the Heineken Brewery.
My dad talked about the Heineken Brewery every day of my entire childhood.
“The Heineken Brewery tour was the best day of my life.”
“Get me another Heini’ Joe!”
“Why can’t you be more like the Heineken Brewery?”
I had to take the tour, it was a right of passage.
When I got there, it was closed, not just for the morning, but for several months; don’t get me started, don’t even get me started. Then a good break happened, literally. A brick crashed through the window, and I was able to enter the Brewery, and take my own tour. Drinking beer is just like riding a bike, you never forget.
After my brewery tour, I rented one of the 3 million bikes in Amsterdam. Riding a bike is just like drinking beer, you never forget. Unless you’ve been drinking lots of beer. I was able to climb out of the canal, but the bike was gone forever.
Since I got up so early (10:00am), I felt like I needed an extra pick me up, and went to a coffee shop. I ordered a brownie and the special mocha latte. This was the best brownie and latte I had ever tasted. As I ate, all sorts of other great people and animals started entering the coffee shop to join me: Abe Lincoln, a giraffe, Winston Churchill, a grasshopper. I even had a great 2-hour conversation with an Aardvark. I called him ‘Arty’.
I was coming up with all sorts of witty remarks, like “Why is it called ‘The Netherlands’ and not just ‘Netherlands’? What’s the deal with that? Why am I called ‘Joe Nathan’ and not ‘The Joe Nathan’?” Arty was loving it.
I left the coffee shop hungrier than ever. Thank goodness for my preparation that morning. I pulled out the lunch from my pants, minus a bit of honey, and had a great sandwich. The canal water added some intriguing flavors.
There was a Free Guided Walking Tour starting nearby, or at least that’s how it was advertised. It turns out, they expected you to tip. Then it’s not free is it? It should be called a Tipped Guided Walking Tour.
We had a true Dutch gentleman show us around the city. He was a 5 foot tall red-headed dude from Massachusetts who yelled a lot. At one point, just outside a University classroom, a sweet little old woman came out of the building.
“Excuse me sir, you come here every day, and scream for 20 minutes. Do you mind going somewhere else to scream?”
“Sure thing, I’m sorry miss,” said the tour guide. The sweet old lady went back into her building.
“OK, AS YOU CAN SEE THERE ARE SOME STRANGE THINGS IN AMSTERDAM!!!! URINE IS EVERYWHERE!!! URINE!!! URINE!!!” he yelled even louder now.
The tour got interesting when went into the district with red lights. I think it was called t
he Super Fun Area.
An older woman opened her window door and stepped out. She was wearing a white bikini and weighed about 400 pounds. She was Joe Nathan’s kind of girl.
Four hours later, I headed back to StayOkay. This time with a gas mask and a new case of crab lice.
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