In a statement released on his website, Cheetah discussed the move.

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that his infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all his wife and children.  I want to say to everyone that I am almost positive he would ask for forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage he’s done, but I want to do my best to support him.  I would like to ask everyone, including his fans,   his business partners, the PGA Tour, those 20 gorgeous women and his fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that his family has the time, privacy, and safe haven they will need for personal healing.

I wish him the best of luck in his endeavors.  For now, my plan is to join the PGA Tour and strengthen the Cheetah brand.  At Tiger’s request, I will accept his wish that I never again wear a red golf shirt that’s two sizes too tight.

The name change has resulted in the expected a storm of controversy.

“I don’t think that it’s a good idea,” says Rogerto Nosital , part-time electrician and full-time busy body.  “My fear is that Cheetah is so good that he might be good enough to challenge some of Tiger’s records.  We can’t have two athletes at the top of the sport with names like Tiger and Cheetah can we?  Will we?  Are you looking at me?”

“That mother pheasant plucker!” a man in a chair with two big wheels cursed after seeing the news.  “He thinks he knows adversity, I’ll show hi-”  The rest of the interview was cut off when he chose not to follow us down the flight of stairs which we took in six or seven steps at a time for a quarter mile, giving our legs an excellent workout.

Terra Bluth, a well respected professional petite canine masseuse and cavity cleansers’ junior assistant from Kitsilano, Vancouver was more concerned about the cats.  “How long will it take before I can’t say Cheetah without crying my eyes out and cursing the world?”  Bluth goes on to ponder, “but I think that Cheetah’s are faster than Tigers right?”

This publication looked into just that question and has watched the video below over 13 times to find the answer. The Tiger is way faster.

I’m Kevin Brockman.
Order Of Feline: Tiger and Cheetah

Start here folks!#@*(^

Could a deal be in the works?  Yes, Crosby to the Thrashers (E5!!)

I have the most challenging job on the planet having to keep track of 30 NHL teams!!  But it is so rewarding and challenging in the a challenging kind of way that I can’t help but smile when I think of all the possibilities!  I know litterly KAJILLIONS of sources that I can tap at a moments notice.  I get so many textings in a day that it’s hard to tell you guys everything!  It just blows my mind!  Unreal!!!

Just a quick hit here from a KREDIBLE source that just TEXTED me the flowallowing:

“I don’t know how this deal couldn’t happen when Atlanta can offer up stars like Kovalchuk, Peverly, Enstrom and about 10 draft picks.  The Pens would be foolish not to consider this deal.”

This comes for a VERY reliable source that I have trusted for close to 10 decades.  He has never been wrong about anything and I would willingly put the barrel of a gun he loaded into my mouth if he told me there were no bullets.  THAT is how POWERFULLY reliable it IS.

I know this one seems a little far-fetched but Atlanta may just be desperate enough to bring the young phenom in.  I’ve been watching Atlanta play for years and they have the best fans ever.  They totally deserve this.  Kudos to the entire organization for this one.  Great job!  You Atlantians are in for a real treat when Sydney comes to town.

All of my kids are SICK today and I’m having some dog problems so I’m going to have to update you on my later.

Oh ya, also looking into a rumored MAJOR deal with Edmonton and Calgary…and I mean MAJOR KABLAGER!   I am telling you…the Flames have a way. The rumours of them already putting a plan in place to move some big money can NOT be ignored.  Not ever.

More to come tonight.

Stay tuned for more including a Hockeybuzzcast at 5 pm…

More to come.

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As is now tradition, the Merriam-Webster dictionary has added to their list of words which give meaning to the latest lingo in pop culture, technology and current events.

No matter how odd the choice of adding ‘achievement whore’ may seem, the dictionary editors are adamant it shows promise for sticking around in everyday vocabulary, at least among the growing demographic of gamers.

“There will be linguistic prudes who will turn their nose up at a word like `achievement whore,”’ said Seth Gerstmann, Merriam-Webster’s president. “But it’s become a part of our language and lifestyle. It’s used by professional writers in mainstream publications. My son says it to me when I’m playing Avatar: The Last Airbender. I like it. With an attitude like that he’ll never have a higher gamerscore than me.”

One of those naysayers is Jack Abramowicz, a professor of English at the University of British Columbia, and the executive secretary of the Polish Dialect Society.

Sadly, for many gamers this achievement will always remain LOCKED

“I find the word to be grossly inappropriate and an unfitting addition to our society,” he said. “My son would be beaten severely for even thinking about using that word in my presence. I may just beat him anyway. Have you seen him?”

But Merriam-Webster traces achievement whore back to 2005 when Microsoft’s Xbox 360 unveiled a new achievement point system that tracks players “gamerscore” across all the games they play. The act of achievement whoring is defined as ‘playing games with the aim to unlock achievements rather than for pure enjoyment.’ For an example of achievement whoring at it’s worst have a look at the video below.

Today, the word shows up in countless articles, message board insults and everyday lingo. That’s all that’s required for a word to be considered for collegiate dictionary. If it become prevalent enough in society, it’s in.

But as president Gerstmann reminds us: “You never have to use the word ‘achievement whore’ unless you want to.”

For the record, he does.

More gamer pranks from around the interwebs:

• Companion Cube in God of War PSP (Ready at Dawn)
• Nintendo Demos Hardcore Smash Bros Wii (IGN)
• Hidden Characters in Killzone 2 Multiplayer (Killzone.com)
• My Wii Buddy ventriloquist game (GameStop)
• Microsoft Announces Alpine Legend (Xbox.com)
• Nintendo Announces Wii Height (i-mezzo.net)
• Dragon Quest IX on sale in Japan (Kotaku)
• Umbrella Corporation Requests Government Bailout (GameSpot)
• Konami Teases Next Metal Gear (Konami.jp)
• Razer and Valve Co-Developing Squad Shooter (RazerZone.com)
• World of Warcraft Introduces PvP Dance Battles (WorldOfWarcraft.com)
• Diablo 3 to Introduce Archivist Class (Blizzard.com)
• New StarCraft 2 Unit Announced: Terratron (StarCraft2.com)
• Cube of War gameplay video (YouTube)
• Capcom Shows Off Dark Void’s New Look (Capcom Unity)
• Bungie Introduces B.U.N.G.L.E. Pro Gaming League (Bungie.net)
• Valve Shows Sneak Peak at Next TF2 Update (TeamFortress.com)
• Crytek Announces CryENGINE 3.5 (MyCrisis)
• ThinkGeek Sells Functional Portal T-Shirts (Think Geek)
• Battlefield Heroes Partners with Swedish Company D?rk (Battlefield-Heroes.com)
• NCSoft Announces City of Heroes: Golden Age (Big Download Blog)
• The Witcher: Mysterious Secrets Announcement (Joystiq)
• id Presents World of Quake Live (QuakeLive.com)

BONUS – Japanese pranks:

• Join the Black Irem Troop, Earn Home Rewards (Irem)
• Evangelion Live Action TV Drama Announced (Yahoo! Japan)
• SNK Playmore Announces Star Radish For Famicom (SNK Playmore)
• THE TALESOFM@STER Location Test Report (Talesing)
• Lineage II Introduces New Afro Server (NCSoft)
• Final Fantasy Palace Completed In Yoyogi, Tours Offered To FFXI Players
  (Square Enix FFXI Blog)

As always, the Daily Seagull has the immediate reaction in the locker room from what can only be described as a stunned Canucks team.  Looking worried and/or constipated, overpaid forward Steve Bernier’s reaction was, “how can he be alive?  I mean, do you think he’s going to be angry about being dumped in Burrard Inlet?  Is it a vengeful Fin?  Did he mention me?”

The atmosphere surrounding the interviews reaked of fear that was accentuated by a rambling primitive dialect resembling English.

The source of the rambling spoke eloquently and offered insight into the purpose for which Fin has been returned to his earthly body.  That source was Kevin Bieksa and he was on the defensive, maybe for the first time in his career.  “Look, me know I not play so good in Jamuary.  Puck is hard to put in net and using stick to take away puck difficult for me.  Doing checking on skillted guys like Travis Moen and Dustin Penner not always will be met with happy reward.  Me thinks if me was known that 10 game home losing streak would make Fin kill Fin, me play bedder.  Lord Jebus, Fin is here to take me.”

After speaking with Bieksa I was surprised to find that of all the players the most agitated was Mats Sundin.  “I know that Fin expected a lot from me.  He told me I was his hero and the first Canuck he’d been excited about since Mark Messier was here.  Those are big shoes to fill and I have very small feet.  You know what they say about a man with small feet don’t you?  Small hands.”  If Sundin hoped his nervousness would go unnoticed his shaved head was quick to betray him.  Beaded with sweat, Sundin had a look about him reminiscent of a young

OJ Simpson, not a Jew

O.J. Simpson.

Aside from player reactions the real question remains how and why Fin has returned to this world.  Speculation that the Canucks recent resurgence led to the miracle appears to be the only plausible answer.  To answer these questions we contacted Fin on the phone to hear from the whale himself.  He only had time for one question as he was expected to meet with the Pope in the afternoon.  We asked how it was possible that he was alive.  At the time, his response was short and confusing, “Don’t you know me, from the Bible?”

Upon much reflection I have decided that yes Fin, I know you.  Whether your resurrection holds some deeper meaning or not the message is clear.  Your ultimate sacrifice will forever remind Canuck fans that in the end, you have to have faith.

Bettman, who is commissioner of the NHL, has decided to put an end to this plague of entertaining goal celebrations.  Starting next season, any player who over-celebrates a goal will be fined for the first offense, and then suspended for any subsequent offenses.

“What Ovechkin did last week was unacceptable,” said Bettman.  “We are trying to attract fans to this sport, and the last thing we need is an entertaining hockey player who puts smiles on children’s faces and promotes the game of hockey to a greater audience.  It’s disgusting.”

Bettman was even more concerned with the way that Ovechkin’s goal celebration went viral on the internet.

“His goal and subsequent celebration was getting millions of hits on YouTube.  This isn’t what the NHL needs.  The NHL needs to continue to only post videos on YouTube that either involve a violent cheap shot or a fight resulting in a serious injury.”

Under the new rule, after a goal is scored the player is allowed to raise one arm in the air and distribute a maximum of three high-fives to his team-mates.  Exceptions are made for overtime and record breaking goals as a player is allowed to raise both arms in the air and may acknowledge the crowd with a smile.

Under special circumstances a player is allowed to drop to one knee and give a fist pump.  These special circumstances include a hat-trick goal or an empty-netter that clinches a playoff position for their respective team.

Fans are also being encouraged to report any incidents of over-celebrating to the NHL.  They can call 1-800-NO-SMILES for more information.

Price (6-pack before taxes): This little bundle of 6-pack joy can be yours for only $12.99 at your local liquor store 6 days a week (curse you Sunday).    You can also pick it up at the cold beer and wine store for $14.99 if you are the type of person who tosses hundred dollar bills into the trash and throws out your underwear instead of washing it.  Yeah, I do.  What, you need some money?  Check out my trash can.  Need some soiled undergarments?  You should be thrown in jail.

Slogan: “Discover Life.  Discover Leffe.”   What more can I say?  I didn’t know about life until this sweet brew touched my parched lips.  A brilliant slogan that evokes feelings of trust, adventure, unicorns and discovery.   Leffe, meaning life in french, is a beautiful name for a beer that breathes it into you with every sip.  So rich in life is a Leffe Blonde brew that I have switched my children over from breast milk to a pint of Leffe Blonde a day.  Best of all?  No pump required.

Quality: Leffe Blonde has a fresh and fruity aroma.  It’s like a brisk walk down Davie Street.  It has a subtle banana finish with a hint of clove and vanilla.  It even has a hint of caramel in the background.  Without wanting to overstate the quality of Leffe Blonde beer I can only compare it to a virgins first kiss.  Unless that first kiss was a drunken mistake and you were beaten and placed under arrest.  Again, sorry Michelle.

For those who like to enjoy a great meal with their tasty beverage Leffe Blonde goes great with red meat, ham, cheese or any sour dish.  I had mine with a 56 ounce steak smothered in Gouda and from what I can remember after waking up in the hospital, the pairing was terrific.

Social Acceptability: Walk into a party or social event with this beer in hand and kings will kneel before you.  The Pope will kiss your ring-pop.  Birds will sing to you as you walk past their nests and seals will bark like puppies in the streets.  The world will be yours, and you will be the world.

Unique Factor: Is the Eiffel tower unique?  No, I saw a replica of it in Las Vegas.  Are the Hanging Gardens not a wonder of the world?  I have never seen them, have you?  Does a giraffe not have the longest and most unique neck in nature?  Who cares.  Leffe Blonde is as unique as all of these things, only uniquerer-er.  Take this beer to a party and you can rest assured that it will be only Leffe Blonde there.  Have a friend who always drinks your beer but you are unable to scream at him because you are both drinking Kokanee?  Leffe Blonde is your solution and vengeance.  Spot your mate with this beer and you can finally punch them square in the mouth just like you’ve always dreamed.  This is your Leffe Blonde.

Final Score: 6 beers out of a 6 pack.  Beer truly doesn’t get any better than this.  All joking aside, Leffe Blonde gets the newborn seal of approval.  I’d trade one newborn child, my own, for a sixer of this delicious treat.  I can make a baby for free.  I could never make Leffe Blonde. 

The 100 date tour is in support of McGee’s first original song entitled “Change Spares Some”.  The song title is a clever play on words to Mcgee’s favorite saying, which is ‘spare some change’.  It is McGee’s first ever tour, and job.

McGee, who is no stranger to financial challenges, is making an extra effort to ensure all of his fans can afford to see him during these tough economic times.

“I’ve worked very hard to make sure that all Skippy McGee fans can see me for a reasonable price, with a guaranteed great view,” said McGee.  “In fact, the ticket price is up to the fans, but I recommend at least a dollar.  I gotsta eat.”

McGee has also decided not to sell tickets through Ticketmaster.  Instead, he’s going to bring along his dog, named ‘Mister Ticket’, who will wander through the crowds and bite anyone that doesn’t give McGee some money.

The opening act for the tour will be a guy named Steve.  He doesn’t play music, but he can climb trees and street-poles in addition to being able to do one-armed push-ups upon request.

The opening date for the tour is on a street corner in New Westminster sometime in June.  Get on your boots everyone, Skippy McGee is coming to a town near you.

The NHL Trade Deadline Day is considered the ‘Christmas Eve’ of the NHL. Fans across Canada get swept up in the excitement of the prospect of their team acquiring a new player or getting rid of an old one. Unfortunately for one man, the excitement went a little bit overboard.

Bill Sampson, a data analyst from Kelowna, has been accused of trading away his dog and son to one of his colleagues for a second round draft pick and future considerations.

“He didn’t just cross the line by trading his dog and son,” said Harry, one of Bill’s colleagues at the Data Factory.  “He literally put on a brand new pair of Air Jordans, took a full blown sprint towards the line and then jumped over it.”

Apparently, the bizarre trade occurred while Sampson was watching TSN’s NHL trade coverage online at work.  One colleague noticed how enthusiastic Sampson was about the day, and jokingly said, “Hey Billy Boy, what’ll it take for you to trade me your dog and son.”

Sampson, who was caught up in the excitement, surprisingly responded with his trade demands for his dog and son (a second round draft pick and future considerations).  The colleague who offered the proposal was so shocked to hear Sampson’s response, that he accepted the trade.

“I just pulled off the biggest trade since the Canucks and Luongo,” said Earl Gussington, the new owner of Sampson’s son and dog.

“Billy’s son and dog will make an excellent addition to my family.  The dog has a lot of experience with cuddling which should contribute to our family’s immediate goals.  The boy is still young, but I think that in a few years he will become an excellent son and contributor to the family.”

Bill Sampson’s wife, Julia, doesn’t share the same enthusiasm.

“I’m upset that he traded away our dog and son,” said his wife, Julia Sampson.  “But I’m even more upset that he only got a second round draft pick and future considerations in return.  I would have thought they were at least worth a first round draft pick and a prospect, and maybe a cat.”

The investigation into the ethics of the trade will continue until next week when the authorities will decide whether to press charges.  On a positive note, the Toronto Maple Leafs have already contacted Sampson and offered him a job in the front office.

Upon news of his imminent re-entry to the NHL, Sean Avery was very excited.

“My parents always told me that everybody deserves a seventh chance,” said an emotional Avery. “My parents also taught me to do one to others as they wouldn’t do to you, and that’s worked so far!”

Avery was suspended by the NHL and sent to rehab after publicly mocking his ex-girlfriends last year. The incident was the latest in a string of poor on and off-ice behavior which has made Avery an infamous NHL star.

“The world needs a-holes, and that’s why you’re here!” said Avery as he pointed to a random bystander at the press conference for no apparent reason whatsoever.

John Tortarella, New York’s new coach, is excited to potentially have Avery on his team.

“We’re really looking forward to having Avery on our team. He’s almost like insurance for the club. If we start to play really bad, then we can just put all the blame on him. And if we play well, I can take all the credit for taking a chance on him. It’s a win-win for me.”

If Avery joins the Rangers this week he is expected to play immediately. You can also expect sports networks to dedicate way too much time to his return.

Vancouver City Council today voted in favor of officially renaming the troubled Downtown Eastside to “West Calgary.” Therefore, instead of actually having to deal with the issues they created in the area, they’re passing it off to Calgary.

“The City of Vancouver has finally fixed the Downtown Eastside,” said David Roberts, City Counselor.  “It’s perfect timing too because it’s just before the Olympics.  Now when visitors come to our city and they complain about the Downtown Eastside we can just say, ‘It’s not our problem, it’s Calgary’s.’”

The city will be strategically installing signage in the most run-down areas that say “Welcome To West Calgary: We Have A Problem”.  The signs should serve to remind residents and visitors to the area that Calgary is really at fault for all the problems in the Eastside.

Vikki Brown, a resident of Yaletown, is very concerned about Calgary’s abilities to solve the Downtown Eastside problems.  “Calgary really has to step up to the plate here and fix their drug problems in West Calgary.  They should be ashamed of themselves for letting the problem escalate over the years.  Shame on you Calgary, shame on you.”

The Daily Seagull contacted Calgary City Hall to inquire about any plans to improve West Calgary.  Nobody would speak on record but an anonymous city counselor apologized for the problem and said their staff was working on creative ideas to fix the area while still maintaining the cultural and social structure.

When we passed on these comments to City Counselor Roberts he responded, “Suckers!”

Vancouver’s ‘name-change’ strategy has been so successful that the City of Surrey is now considering renaming the troubled Whalley area to ‘North White Rock.’