Fin Back in Rehab After Drunken Fight with Schoolchildren

Fin, the Canucks’ mascot and most devout supporter, is back on the bottle after a heartbreaking loss to the San Jose Sharks in overtime on Tuesday night.  No stranger to the sweet taste of Jack Daniels, Fin relapsed into his old drinking ways immediately following the loss in overtime.  A few sips of JD quickly spun out of control and into a night of drinking and fighting in the streets of San Jose.  According to reports, Fin, clean and sober since his last stint in rehab in April of 2008 after the Canucks took a nose-dive in the standings to miss the playoffs, could no longer bear to watch his beloved Canucks tank another season.

According to team insiders, when the team walked into the dressing room they found Fin halfway through a bottle of JD and slurring heavily.  “His fin was drooping like a real whale that has been in captivity,” team brainiac Kevin Bieksa recalled.  While details remain sketchy, the very sight of a smiling Mats Sundin entering the room sent Fin into an uncontrollable rage and the bottle was thrown and smashed to pieces to the right of Sundin’s head.  “After he threw the bottle he stormed out of the dressing room and sucker punched the equipment manager in the face, the area right above his neck and below his hair,” a moronic Alexandre Burrows explained.  That was the last the Canucks saw of Fin that night.  Unfortunately, Fin would be seen by hundreds on the crowded streets in San Jose shortly thereafter.

According to bystanders, Fin’s attack began when he sprinted into a group of schoolchildren in to see the game that night.  Using his dorsal fin as a “head mace” Fin unleashed hell on the unsuspecting boys and girls, many of whom are reported to have disabilities.  Witness accounts of the attack range from harrowing to unbelievable.  Steve Butts, a San Jose bandwagoner saw all the “sweet action” as he called it.  “His fins were pummeling those children in a blur of fins,” Butts laughed, “and then I  saw him perform a perfect Tombstone on a kid wearing a Canucks jersey on bare cement.  I don’t think that kid will ever walk again,” Butts barely got out between fits of uncontrollable laughter.  The Tombstone, a trademark wrestling move made popular by The Undertaker, is an incredibly dangerous move whereby the victim is held upside down and then driven headfirst into the ground.  It is so named for it’s ability to send the victim to an untimely grave.

Once the laughing crowd figured out that Fin wasn’t “staging a show and doing what mascots do,” as Butts explained it, the San Jose police on hand responded quickly and with trademark excessive force.  A hail storm of blows were unleashed upon Fin’s whale body and lifeless looking Fin was dragged away while the crowd of onlookers cheered. Constable Richard Horse said that his quick thinking and efficiency with a police baton saved countless other children from Fin’s wrath.  “Ya see this here?  This is my hurting stick.   Ya can count on it that it was used to put the hurt on that there whale man.  He’ll never swim again.”

Canucks general manager Mike Gillis posted bail that evening and team representatives have confirmed that Fin has been admitted into rehab back in Vancouver.  In a statement released by Gillis, the Canucks thanked the San Jose police for stopping Fin and committed to getting him the help and medical treatment he needs for both his physical and emotional wounds.

Fin managed to execute a perfect Tombstone on a child Tuesday evening.

The Daily Seagull caught up with Fin’s psychiatrist Dr. Smeagol Knownuts in Vancouver and asked the tough questions on Wednesday morning.   Knownuts believes that Fin’s “triggering event” which leads him to taking solace in the bottle stems from his undying devotion to an NHL team that always disappoints after building expectations and raising hope to unattainable levels.  “Being a Canuck fan is tough at the best of times,” Dr. Knownuts explained in his office at the rehab center ironically funded by the Canucks Foundation.  “You can’t get people’s hopes up like that and expect them to not be horribly disappointed when you come up short.  Fin is as loyal a fan as they have and they keep ripping out his heart and skating over it with those razor sharp blades.  He’s bleeding on the inside, not just the outside thanks to the beating from San Jose’s police force.”

When asked how they intended to curb Fin’s drinking in the future Knownuts believes that “perhaps a change in allegiance from the Canucks to another, less frustrating team, would be wise.  I hear Detroit is always good.”

Fin.

My question to you, the reader: What moves would you like to see a drunken Fin pull at the next Canucks game?  Don’t worry, your email is not required…for now.

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