Fin Takes Page from Jesus with Resurrection
March 30, 2009 by Kevin Brockman
In a stunning turn of events recently deceased Vancouver Canucks mascot Fin walked into General Motors Place this morning looking none the worse for wear on his own forked tail. According to the official statement released by the Canucks, Fin’s status has been upgraded from dead to alive. Also revealed in the release is news that Kyle Wellwood’s career has been downgraded from floundering to “on thin ice.” At the time of writing Don Cherry was unavailable for comment.
As always, the Daily Seagull has the immediate reaction in the locker room from what can only be described as a stunned Canucks team. Looking worried and/or constipated, overpaid forward Steve Bernier’s reaction was, “how can he be alive? I mean, do you think he’s going to be angry about being dumped in Burrard Inlet? Is it a vengeful Fin? Did he mention me?”
The atmosphere surrounding the interviews reaked of fear that was accentuated by a rambling primitive dialect resembling English.
The source of the rambling spoke eloquently and offered insight into the purpose for which Fin has been returned to his earthly body. That source was Kevin Bieksa and he was on the defensive, maybe for the first time in his career. “Look, me know I not play so good in Jamuary. Puck is hard to put in net and using stick to take away puck difficult for me. Doing checking on skillted guys like Travis Moen and Dustin Penner not always will be met with happy reward. Me thinks if me was known that 10 game home losing streak would make Fin kill Fin, me play bedder. Lord Jebus, Fin is here to take me.”
After speaking with Bieksa I was surprised to find that of all the players the most agitated was Mats Sundin. “I know that Fin expected a lot from me. He told me I was his hero and the first Canuck he’d been excited about since Mark Messier was here. Those are big shoes to fill and I have very small feet. You know what they say about a man with small feet don’t you? Small hands.” If Sundin hoped his nervousness would go unnoticed his shaved head was quick to betray him. Beaded with sweat, Sundin had a look about him reminiscent of a young
OJ Simpson, not a Jew
O.J. Simpson.
Aside from player reactions the real question remains how and why Fin has returned to this world. Speculation that the Canucks recent resurgence led to the miracle appears to be the only plausible answer. To answer these questions we contacted Fin on the phone to hear from the whale himself. He only had time for one question as he was expected to meet with the Pope in the afternoon. We asked how it was possible that he was alive. At the time, his response was short and confusing, “Don’t you know me, from the Bible?”
Upon much reflection I have decided that yes Fin, I know you. Whether your resurrection holds some deeper meaning or not the message is clear. Your ultimate sacrifice will forever remind Canuck fans that in the end, you have to have faith.
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