Interview With A Vampire: Gary Bettman
February 6, 2009 by Joe Nathan
Joe Nathan spent the last month on a hard target search of every ice rink, dressing room, luxury box, limousine, Short and Small Men’s Clothing Store and non-hockey related southern US town in hopes of acquiring an exclusive interview with NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.
After weeks of hard work, Joe tracked down Mr. Bettman during the All-Star weekend in Montreal. The interview took place in a small room next to the lobby of the Montreal Plaza Central City Boutique Hotel.
Below is a transcript of the interview:
Joe Nathan (JN): Hello Commissioner. Thank you for agreeing to do this interview with us.
Gary Bettman (GB): You’re welcome Bill. The NHL has never been more exciting, or successful. In fact, I think I’d call ‘excituccessful’. League attendance is up, ticket prices are becoming more affordable, revenue is through the roof, and more goals are being scored than ever before. The current state of the game has never been better, and the future is only going to get brighter.
JN: Mr. Bettman, I haven’t asked you a question yet. And my name is Joe.
GB: Teams are getting better, players are becoming faster. There is no limit to this. It’ just going to get better. Our website, NHL.com, is becoming the new Google of the internet. And yes Bill, you did ask me a question.
JN: Ok… You paint a very rosy picture of the future of the NHL. Do you expect the recent downturn in the global economy and the possibility of a lengthy recession to have an effect on how the NHL does business?
GB: There is nothing wrong with the economy. All our teams are successful and have no issues with finances. The only lengthy recession the NHL is forecasting is the 15 minutes between periods.
JN: I’m just stating the facts Gary. The Phoenix Coyotes have been losing up to $30 million a year, and did not qualify for revenue sharing last year. This year, the Nashville Predators are buying their own tickets in order to reach attendance goals.
GB: If you owned an exciting hockey team like the Nashville Predators, wouldn’t you buy tickets so you could see the games?
JN: No, probably not. Are you prepared to admit that the expansion to non-hockey markets in the U.S., like Nashville, Phoenix, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, and Carolina have been a complete failure?
GB: It hasn’t been a failure. Both Carolina and Tampa Bay have won Stanley Cups, Florida has made it to the finals, and Atlanta made it into the playoffs once.
JN: Yes, but you have to agree that there is more potential and marketability if the NHL returned to Canadian hockey markets like Winnipeg, Quebec City and southern Ontario?
GB: Why would the NHL want to grow in Canada? The interest is already through the roof. Have you seen how many poolies there are in Canada? The NHL’s priorities are to market the game in locations with potential to grow.
JN: Jim Balsillie has already sold out season tickets for a pretend Hamilton team. It seems like a “Can’t lose” scenario to get Mr. Balsillie an NHL team.
GB: I’ve already offered Jim Balsillie an expansion opportunity. He declined his chance to start a franchise in Tegucigalpa.
JN: Isn’t that in Honduras? Do they even have an ice rink in that country?
GB: No. We expected Mr. Balsillie to construct a state-of-the-art multi-purpose arena. It seems only fair.
JN: OK, it’s clear we aren’t getting anywhere on this subject.
GB: I agree, the NHL’s future has never been clearer. We now have…
JN: Please stop Mr. Bettman. Time for a new topic. There have been several serious incidents during fights recently. Does the NHL have any plans to reconsider the rules on fighting? Either forcing players to keep their helmets on during a fight, or even banning fighting entirely?
GB: Fighting as always been a part of hockey, and it’s what sells tickets. There are no discussions to ban or decrease fighting from the NHL. However, we are considering new rules to increase fighting.
JN: You want to increase fighting? What are these rules you’re considering?
GB: If there are no fights in the final 5 minutes of a game, both team’s coaches will be fine $10,000.
JN: Isn’t that the opposite of the current rule?
GB: And another new rule is that after every goal, the player who scores will be allowed to get in the face of one opponent for at least 5 seconds. We are calling this the “Stare-Down.”
JN: That actually sounds like a good idea.
GB: NHL players are the most creative people in the world. I can’t wait to see what kind of “Stare-Downs” they will created. The Chicken Dance Stare-Down, the Sloppy Seconds Stare Down, the Peek-A-Boo Stare Down, the Jagr Salute Stare Down. The sky is the limit!
JN: Wow, I never thought I’d say this, but the new NHL may be on to something with this. Are there any more proposed new rules?
GB: Yes, there will now be a penalty for breaking your stick.
JN: Do you not mean, breaking an opponent’s stick?
GB: No, we are tired of all these sticks breaking during slapshots, faceoffs and even breakaways. Players will be penalized for this poor craftsmanship.
JN: But there can be 20 to 30 sticks broken per game!
GB: If there is one thing I know about hockey, and I know everything, it’s that the fans love the ebb and flow of a game fill with penalties. The game is exciting and the action goes back and forth. Our goal is to have an entire game with someone in the penalty box.
JN: Mr. Bettman, the bonus point for losing in OT was introduced to encourage teams to play for a win and limit the number of ties. Now, because of the shootout, ties are impossible, is it not time to remove the extra bonus point for losing in OT or the shootout?
GB: That is a terrible idea. The parity in the league has never been better. At one point during this season, every team in the Western Conference was above 0.500. We want to create successful, winning franchises.
JN: But the point of 0.500 is to represent the average?
GB: Yes.
JN: So every team is above average?
GB: Yes, that’s how successful and strong our league is.
JN: But this creates false standings. The New York Islanders have already been accused of conspiring with their opponents to have their games reach OT, and then allowing the opposing team to win. Thus receiving 82 points, and a potential playoff berth.
GB: That is an excellent strategy. I have never heard of such a brilliant idea. Have they recently rehired Mike Milbury?
JN: Commissioner, you are missing the point. The Islanders could lose EVERY game in an NHL season, and STILL reach the playoffs.
GB: That’s why we have the NHL salary cap. To create parity and allow any team in any market the chance to succeed.
JN: My point Mr. Bettman is it’s time to stop giving teams 1 point for losing in OT or the shootout.
GB: You got me Bill. I was saving this for the off-season, but we are changing that rule. Teams will no longer receive 1 point for losing in OT. Instead, they will receive 2 points.
JN: But that doesn’t make sense. They will get the same amount of points as the team that wins. Why would you do this? And remember, my name is not Bill, it’s Joe.
GB: The NHL has conducted focus groups in strong U.S. hockey markets like Baton Rouge, Sante Fe, and Little Rock. Through this scientific analysis, the NHL has determined, conclusively, that fans enjoy when teams succeed.
JN: The overtime period will become completely irrelevant. It will be a circus!
GB: That’s the goal. We want to see players have fun and show their personality. Maybe even dress up in funny fishing hats, wear sunglasses and use two sticks to score a goal. The average NHL fan loves this much more than the regular 60 minute game.
JN: I completely disagree. This now means that a team could lose every single game, yet still record a perfect record!
GB: Like I said before, NHL teams are getting better and better every year.
JN: Are you now going to tell me that every team will make the playoffs.
GB: Yes. All 30 teams will make the playoffs now, the top 2 teams in the league will receive a bye for there successful regular season.
JN: What’s the point in having an 82-game regular season if every team still makes the playoffs.
GB: To decide which 2 teams get the first round bye.
JN: Ok …. are there any more new rules in the works.
GB: Yes, during powerplays, the home team’s mascot will be allowed to lace up the skates and join in the man advantage. This will get the average child, and chubby man very excited. It will also give an advantage to teams with flexible mascots like …… . Fin may have difficulties for the Canucks.
JN: Ok, I’m going to stop asking about rule changes. Are there any other statements you’d like to make?
GB: Yes, I’ll just like to say a few words to Bob Goodenow and Ted Saskin. Nana nana booboo.
JN: Well said Mr. Bettman. Thank you for your time this afternoon.
GB: You’re welcome Bill. Now can you give me back my roll of toilet paper.
JN: Hmmmmmm …. no.
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