Jack Bauer and Prison—Together Again
November 20, 2008 by Addam Hieronymus Bautum
With Fox set to air the TV Movie “24: Redemption,” bad boy star Kiefer Sutherland has landed a real life role in a California psychiatric hospital. Kiefer Sutherland is heading back to the big house.
The iconic TV star of Fox’s mega-hit series “24” has done it again. After serving a 48 day sentence in late 2007 for a second DUI conviction, Kiefer Sutherland was taken into custody and subsequently incarcerated against his will Monday night in the psychiatric ward of Glendale California’s municipal jail.
His media relations representative has issued the following statement: “I have not yet been granted permission to speak to my client, however, I can testify to the fact that Mr. Bauer’s… I mean Sutherland’s behaviour had nothing to do with alcohol.”
He further ventured that, “although Kiefer has been back to enjoying close to two packs a day since he was released from prison; he has been fervently outright with regards to his continued sobriety.”
Here at the Daily Seagull Poop Media center, we have obtained first hand information from an undercover officer eyewitness as to the arrest details from Monday night’s incident.
It appears that the “24” star was driving home after a taping of the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” when the aforementioned eyewitness pulled over Sutherland’s late model Dodge Charger.
Guilty for blatant violation of contractual negotiations with Ford Motor Company, Sutherland’s tone hinted a slight threshold of bitterness.
After calmly explaining several pertinent loop-holes within his WTF? (What Type of Ford?) Clause, the officer immediately became suspicious of both his levels of alcohol as well as his receptive brain functions.
The officer then performed a sobriety field test, and the evidence became painfully clear. Sutherland managed to successfully complete all five routine tests including a perfect ‘no hands’ hood slide, a well balanced crouched gun stance as well as disarming a live nuke within the allotted sixty second time limit.
Sergeant Goiter, constricted by the amendments of California law, proceeded to read Sutherland his rights as he shackled his prisoner by the ankles and wrists.
Once booked into the familiar Glendale City Jail, Lt. Biggs made the assessment to send Sutherland to the psychiatric ward for further evaluation.
“We may be dealing with split-personality disorder here. In all my years on this job, I’ve never encountered a sober and clear minded Mr. Sutherland. It’s better to be on the safe side then, well, you know,” added Lt. Biggs.
His attorney, long-time friend and yoga instructor Manny Labatt had this to say; “This is a sad day for all us drunks man. Jack…errr, Kiefer has never done anything like this before. I feel like I barely even know the guy. We’ve been through hell and back over the last fifteen or so years, but I’ve never seen this side of him. Not sure if I’ll be able to trust him for a while…”
The aptly named two-hour movie “24: Deception” airs Sunday Nov. 23 on Fox.
Tick…tick…tick…
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