Laughing Cat No Laughing Matter
December 2, 2008 by admin
For the Patterman’s, Christmas may not be coming this year. The latest in a string of armed burglaries, the Patterman’s home was ransacked on Monday, December 1st. Joe Pesci was unavailable for comment. While the burglary in itself does not lend itself to headline news, it was the circumstances under which the Patterman’s family jewels were stolen that make this story so strange.
According to the oldest son, Jan, the entire family was actually present at the time of the break in. They had been sitting down around the kitchen table to eat some cheese kurds over plates of whipped butter when they heard the downstairs windows smash. Fortunately, Jan Sr. having coached his sons many times in soccer was able to bark out clear and concise orders that everyone could understand. Quietly, the entire family crept up to the master bedroom where they clambered into the attic through the opening in their closet. Once a nest for squirrels and raccoons, Jan Sr. put an end to that fairytale with the barrel of his shotgun.
“It was absolutely terrifying,” a pale faced Jan recalls. “One minute all I could hear was the sounds of maple syrup falling onto my plate of cheese kurds. It’s too bad Mittens is such a jerk. Now all my Christmas presents are gone.”
Mittens, the family cat, has quickly been blamed for the outcome of the robbery. Unfortunately, the Patterman’s store most of the families wealth in the attic, a fact that the robbers may never have known had Mittens not given away their position. Jan Sr. tried to explain how the events unfolded, but our tape recorder ran out as he tired to explain what was being eaten for dinner. So instead we turned to the youngest brother, Tave. “Yeah, they found our stash, thanks to that no good Mittens. When they heard him laughing it was all over. I’ll give him something to laugh about now that’s for sure.”
According to the Patterman’s, Mittens had long been afflicted with fits of uncontrollable laughter whenever the entire family was together. “It started when he was only a kitten” Jan Sr. explained while trying to brush cheese kurd crusties out of his full length silver beard and mustache and somehow sipping a tall cold Tahiti Treat. “We would be sitting in the living room together and we would suddenly hear this muffled laughter. I thought it was Tave so he was sent to his room and given an immediate red card. But that only seemed to make the laughing louder. Then I realized the laughter was coming from my groinal region. You know, my lap. Mittens was there, and he was laughing. I think it was at me.”
Mittens’ laughing this time may have gone too far. Giving away the position of the family in the attic, and with them the location of all the Christmas presents and family jewels, Mittens may not be the one to have the last laugh. “The first thing I did after the cops untied me was go and look for Mittens. I’ll never forgive him for leaving me hog-tied on the floor like that,” a furious Jan trembled. “He could have easily cut through my bonds with his claws. He’s used them before on my face. He’s a cat right!”
All told, it appears the Patterman family lost about $4,000 worth of goods and an untold amount of dignity. At the time of publishing this article Mittens is still missing…and presumed laughing.
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