Nintendo Patents Technology for New Gaming System that Plays Itself

Today, video game giant and industry leader Nintendo filed a patent for a new technology which is slated to debut in their next generation of consoles and hand-held devices.  Nintendo, still enjoying the amazing success of the the Wii that continues to sell at a pace far exceeding all “professional analyst” predictions is preparing for the future and a new breed of “gamers.”  According to the papers filed by Nintendo, the patent describes a device that takes all control functionality away from the player and puts it into the hands of an advanced AI program.  The following statements have been pulled directly out of the document filed by Nintendo:

Players will no longer be inconvenienced with such mundane tasks like pushing buttons or having to use a controller.  Once a game is loaded into the system the game will simply play itself.  All of the frustration and challenge that comes with using a motion sensing controller has been removed.

Wii Fit socks and towel!? Yes please!

The Daily Seagull was fortunate enough to be granted an interview with Nintendo overlord and reported hive mind President Satoru Iwata after we purchased 1000 Wii’s for our office in Vancouver.  While I was required to kneel and press my forehead against the floor for the duration of the interview I managed to come away not only with answers, but with some incredible Nintendo swag (pictured right and now available on eBay).

I began the interview with the hardest hitting questions.  Pointing out that this new technology would essentially take the gaming out of video games Nintendo President Satoru Iwata had this to say:

To be honest, this is the kind of radical thinking that won us the console war this generation.  Once our spies discovered what Microsoft and Sony would be bringing to the table we knew we didn’t have a chance.  They had created consoles with large hard drives, powerful CPU’s, online networks and high definition graphics.  How do you compete with that?  The answer is, you don’t.  At the time, we had an intern working in our head office named Jim Gerstmann from San Fransisco and he suggested we put some waggle in the Wii.  So, we developed some magic wands that made it seem like you were bowling and crap like that and we threw it on the market.  Who knew that people would actually love it?

However, that does not explain Nintendo’s radical move from a half-assed console to a full-assed console.  After sending our intern Guadalupe to look into the matter I spent 40 seconds reading through some website he found and came to my own conclusion.   As sales of the Wii have clearly demonstrated, the less skill and effort required to play a game the higher the sales and number of units sold.  For example, Wii Sports requires complex movement such as “swinging your arm” and progresses to more advanced moves such as “swinging your arm repeatedly.”   Thanks to millions of people around the world who have purchased the Nintendo Wii and to games such as “Wii Fit” and “Wii Music” the gaming giant is moving quickly to make gaming even more accessible.  According to Iwata it:

…was the next logical step for us.  Gamers voted with their dollars this generation and those dollars all say the same thing.  Take the game out of video games.  Why have an interactive experience when you can do nothing and still have a Nintendo experience?  What about that 1% of the market who can’t bowl a strike every time in Wii bowling?   Now everybody will be able to enjoy seeing Mario defeat Bowser and rescue the Princess.  Gamers are tired of hearing that “the princess is in another castle.”  Our AI will be able to complete every level of a game and our loyal fans will feel like they’ve really accomplished something because seeing is doing after all.

Iwata went on to describe the culture at Nintendo which provides some great insight into some of the decisions made by company over the past several years.

At Nintendo we have a word for gamers (or people as you may call them) who aren’t skilled enough to finish our games like Mario Galaxy or Zelda: The Twilight Princess.  We call them “disabled.”  Not disabled in the sense that George Bush is disabled.  Disabled in a gamer sense.  At Nintendo, we want to empower disabled people.  The Wii was the first step towards our goal of “putting the able back into disabled.”  Our goal is for all gamers to be “able” to win a game.

At this moment during the interview I managed to glance up past Mr. Iwata and see the golden mural behind his throne.  There it was, encrusted in diamonds, saphires and other precious gemstones.  “At Nintendo we put the able back in disabled.”   Unfortunately, a pressure sensitive sensor in the floor alerted the guards to my disobedience and I felt the cruel lash of a Wii Nunchuck across my back.  Before I could apologize for my carelessness I was peppered with turtle shells until I could no longer breathe.  Barely alive, Iwata placed a mushroom in my mouth and I instantly awoke to find my wounds healed and on a plane back to Canada with a bag of Nintendo swag at my feet.  I would like to sincerely thank Nintendo for their time and for giving me the fewest lashings to date during an interview.

You may also enjoy...

• “Achievement Whore” added to Merriam-Webster Dictionary