McCain’s Age Not an Issue: He’s Synthetic
October 3, 2008 by Kevin Brockman
The Republican Party has embarked on an aggressive new marketing campaign aimed to change the perceptions of aging Presidential Candidate John McCain. At 72 years of age, McCain is thought to be a more likely candidate for open heart surgery than for President of the United States. The real concern though, is that McCain will not survive a full term in office, a series of events that could lead to Sarah Palin becoming President. For many, this is a horrifying thought. “How do you go from governing a town of 8,000 people in Alaska, which is barely even part of our great union to a nation of 300 million?” steams dental hygienist Corrine White. “I like McCain and all, but he’s really old. I don’t want Palin to become President. Yes, it is a hot button issue for me.”
Corrine White isn’t alone. A recent poll has found that 75% of Americans are concerned that McCain may not live out a full 4 year Presidential term. More than a quarter of those polled said they are less inclined to support McCain because he would be the oldest person ever to become President. The percentage discouraged by McCain’s age is more than double that of people who would be less enthusiastic about supporting Obama because he is African American. Alarmed by these findings the Republican marketing machine has once again been hard at work and the message is: “You have nothing to be worried about, McCain is actually a synthetic human.”
Doing away with conventional political stances, the Republicans are now positioning McCain as a synthetic, much like Bishop from the hit movie Aliens. “He’s not going to die,” explains McCain campaign manager Terry Nelson, “I know this because he was in fact created in a factory and his exoskeleton houses the most advanced neural network known to man.”
Already the move has been met with mixed reactions. “So wait a minute, is he like Bishop from Aliens 2, where he saved Ripley and was a hero or is he like the model in Alien, you know, played by that Bilbo guy, the one that tried to kill her?” a concerned Peter Frumpke a programmer at Microsoft muses. “And God forbid he be anything like those Terminators. I don’t trust them at all. I mean, one minute Schwarzenegger was the bad guy and the next he was good again. I wouldn’t know if I could trust him.”
Responding to the criticisms of the controversial ad campaign Nelson assures voters that “McCain is as American as apple pie. Just think of the apple pie as being made with heavily genetically modified apples encased in a exoskeleton of steel rather than pastry. I don’t understand the concerns here. One minute everyone was afraid he wouldn’t live long enough to serve as President and now all this doubt and confusion simply because instead of a heart he uses an advanced fusion power supply that will run for 6000 years. I mean, if you are lucky, he may even use his own power supply to solve the energy crisis. That should be a couple votes right there.”
Repeated calls to reach McCain himself were unsuccessful and met with the response “McCain has retired to his hyperberic chamber for the evening. You don’t disturb him when he’s plugged into the Matrix.”
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