Of the Ewoks, it was a young rascal named Wicket that captured Lucas’ heart and set him on a lifelong journey to become part of the race he loved so much.  “It’s hard to explain,” a relaxed Lucas told reporters in his 500 billion dollar mansion constructed entirely of gold bricks and mortared with crushed diamonds and baby seal fat.  “There’s something so innocent, so pure about Ewoks.  They didn’t need technology to defeat the evil Galactic Empire.  They proved that courage and the ability to set log traps in less than 5 minutes and under blaster fire were more than a match for the Storm Troopers and AT-ST’s.”  Referring to the infamous Battle of Endor, Lucas continues, “If it wasn’t for their quick thinking the shield generator would never have been destroyed in time for the rebels to make their attack run.”

Already one of the most powerful men in the known universe, Lucas doesn’t see his physical transformation as anything other than extraordinary.  “Soon my transformation will be complete.  Once the skin graft successfully gives me a full body of hair, I will begin my preparations to move into the trees.”  Under construction in the Carmanah Valley, site of the Ewok village in the movie, a massive project has secretly been under development since the film was released over 20 years ago.  “Much like the construction of the Death Star, which took place in total secrecy, my village will soon be unveiled to the galaxy at a time of my choosing,” Lucas revealed to the group of bewildered reporters.

At this point in the interview events became fuzzy.  Lucas casually punched a button on his command chair and several reporters fell through a trap door and into what can only be described as a Rancor pit.  Amidst the screams and chaos I was able to flee the mansion and return safely home.  I only hope this article reaches those who can put a stop to Lucas’ grand schemes and..what’s that!?  I just heard what sounded like a light saber…tell my family I lov……noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!