The song, “Because You Didn’t Vote Me”, was intended to be a celebratory song for Dion if he had ‘won’ the role of Prime Minister with his attempt to overthrow the Conservatives with his coalition in December.

Unfortunately for Dion, the coalition failed worse than his original campaign for Prime Minister, and Dion was forced to resign from the Liberal leadership and forgo releasing his victory pop song.

But thanks to some investigative work at The Daily Seagull, Dion’s song, which was inspired by Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me”, can now be shared with the world.

Fredrick Jackson, a music critic for the Political Pop Music Magazine, gives kudos to the former Liberal leader.

“He has the worst voice I’ve ever heard,” said Jackson, as he used kleenex to dry up the blood that was streaming out of his ears.  “But it takes a lot of guts to continue to do something that you clearly suck at.  Mad props.”

The song and lyrics can be viewed below:

Not a lot is known about Sarrin other than that she’s a 48 year old mother of 3 children.  A Conservative Party press release indicated that she has vast experience in leadership as she has organized the hockey team’s bake sale for the past 12 years.  Her foreign policy is equally as impressive as she has been hosting a Korean ESL student for the last 3 years. This will be very useful for future negotiations with North Korea.  She doesn’t speak French, but she does have a nice prairie accent that will melt the hearts of French Canadians.

This is a savvy political move by Harper in the home stretch of the election in an attempt to win back some of the votes he has lost to the NDP and Liberals over the past week.  By announcing Sarrin as his running mate, Harper is hoping to win back voters in the female, non-robot and non-sweater-vest-wearing demographics.

This announcement has already caused the other candidates to scramble to find running mates of their own.  Like Harper, they are all hoping to partner with someone who makes up for their deficiencies.

According to their campaigns: Jack Layton is looking for someone with long beautiful hair and no mustache; Stephan Dion is looking for a tall athletic man with courage and who can speak English.  Elizabeth May is looking for an attractive woman; and Gilles Duceppe is looking for a miracle.

Parrin will be dropping the puck at tomorrow night’s Vancouver Canucks home opener.

Last night the 5 candidates battling for the Prime Minister of Canada laid their party’s platforms out on the table.  What went on underneath the table, is another story altogether.

The Daily Seagull got exclusive access to the “undertable” discussion and the results were shocking.  The photo below, was taken minutes into the debate and it clearly shows that Stephen Harper and Elizabeth May were taking the expression ‘rubbing each other the wrong way’ to a whole new level.

The Daily Seagull confronted both candidates after the debate and showed them this image.  This is what they had to say:

Harper: Nothing turns me on more than a woman who wants to cut greenhouse gas emissions to 30 per cent below 1990 levels by 2020 and 80 per cent by 2050.  I’m a sucker a for an environmentalist.

May: After watching Stephen on TV for the last few months wearing those sexy sweater vests I couldn’t resist.  Nothing excites me more than a Prime Minister with the fashion taste of an old man.

Harper and May weren’t the only ones with more than political agendas on their minds.  Viewers might have noticed that Jack Layton spent most of the evening staring into Stephan Dion’s eyes.  Our exclusive footage explains why (see photo).

When approached about this, Layton had this to say.

Layton: I got lost in Dion’s deep blue eyes.  At one point his eyes were so beautiful that I thought I was staring into the Pacific Ocean.  So naturally, we held hands.

Dion was also approached for comment, but unfortunately his English translator was not available so The Daily Seagull did not understand a single word he said.

Gilles Duceppe was also photographed, but unfortunately the content of those photographs is not appropriate for this site.

The translator will stand next to Dion throughout the debate to clarify anything that the audience does not understand. The translator, Dr. July Crowe, has a PHD in Mumbling from the University of Vancouver.  The Liberal Party expects Dr. Crowe to have a very busy evening.

The Liberal party is confident they are making the right decision.  “I just had a 20 minute conversation with Mr. Dion and I didn’t understand a single word he said,” said Bill Hillsborough, Liberal Party spokesman.  “I think Canada is ready for this type of leadership, we’ve had enough of Harper’s English clarity.”

In the event that the translator cannot understand Dion, the Liberal Party has also invited a lip reader.  As a fail-safe, Dion will also have access to some paper and pens so he can try to draw out what he is trying to say.

Manuel Manrinez, a hair stylist for the Conservative party, admitted that the hairdo was ripped off.  Manrinez, an experienced hair stylist and make up artist with a diploma from John Casablanca, apologized for any wrongdoing and then quit the Conservative campaign.

“I had the, like, very difficult position of trying to like, make Stephen look good for people and I didn’t get very much, like, time.  You know?” said Manrinez in a written release.

“None of the other stylists had anything, like, to do with this.  I apologize for everyone out there that I offended.  I’m also available on weekends if anyone needs a haircut and I can do highlights.”

Harper, is well known in the political circle for his obsession with the styling of his hair.  It is not unusual to see Harper in the powder room only minutes before a public speech making the final touches to his hair. This is why news of the haircut rip-off is causing such split ends.

“Stephen Harper’s hairstyle is the cornerstone of Canada,” said Brian McGrews, Conservative party spokesperson.  “When Canada needed strong leadership, Stephen Harper’s hair was there.”

The man in question, Billy-Rob Davids, borrowed some money from a local loan shark several months ago to finance his Volcano Insurance business.  When the business fell through, Davids was not able to repay the full amount to the loan shark.  Consequently, the loan shark, who was unable to receive its money from Mr. Davids, was forced to forfeit its business due to a lack of funds.  Thus began the domino effect as other loan sharks, drug dealers and illegal gamblers were forced to shut down business due to nonpayments on loans from their clients.

“Without immediate action by the Canadian government, Mr. Davids could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would unfold for all of Canada,” Harper said.  “More loans could fail, the stock market could crash, your retirement account value could reduce, the value of your home could plummet, foreclosures would rise dramatically, the illegal drug and gambling underworld could become extinct.”

Parliament will meet next week to discuss the controversial proposal by Harper.  But if it was up to Billy-Rob Davids, there would be no need for a discussion.  “For the price of one month of Volcano Insurance, Canada can avoid a financial collapse,” said Davids.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has recently come forward to explain his new, leaner physique.  His secret?  A steady diet of kittens.

“The campaign trail is long and hard,” explains an energized and radiant Harper in the foyer of his home kitchen.  “When I need a boost of energy and some pounce in my step, I look no further than the barnyard out back,” Stephens purrs as he gestures towards the small red barn outside his residence that is home to over 400 stray felines.

When asked to explain the logic of his new and barbaric diet Harper is quick to dismiss the critics, “You know, I don’t get bent out of shape when people eat pigs.  My pig Harry out back is my best friend.  He is my pet.  Just because you have cats doesn’t mean I shouldn’t eat mine.”

While it is unclear at this moment whether Harper’s taste for cute kittens will help or hurt him in the polls this upcoming election it remains certain that he prefers kittens of the orange tabby variety.

Harper, clearly desperate to appeal to the younger demographic that flocks to Strompalopaloo’s popular show unwittingly made a fool of Strombalomanuts after asking for his email address.  Sadly, Stumpalatafuts had set up his email address with the assistance of both his driver’s license and birth certificate and was clearly at a loss for words and unprepared for the seemingly simple request.

Trombonapolloza’s response was nothing short of awkward for everyone involved.  “Mr. Harper, you can reach me any time at S-T-R-O-M_P_A-er-L-A-L-A-um-G-H-U-S-S? at cbc.ca….No wait, there is a P in there somewhere.”  From there, Strumsalotofnuts became incredibly agitated and the show quickly cut to commercial.  What viewers at home didn’t see, was a temper tantrum that saw chairs flung across the studio, insults hurled towards the heavens and a military style takedown of George, executed by Harper’s personal bodyguards.

Calls today into CBC studios have yet to reach Strubaloopoolus and his rep has issued the following statement.  “We ask that all fans respect Jorge Strumabumavus during this deeply personal time and ask you all to consider how confusing his name really is.  Do you think you could spell that name day in and day out?  If he was ever featured on Wheel of Fortune the contestants wouldn’t even have enough money to buy a vowel.”

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, has been making a fashion statement during his campaign run for this Fall’s national election. In the past, Harper would not have been caught dead without his trademark suit and tie.  But in response to his inability to connect with ‘regular people’, Harper has been putting away his suit and tie, and putting on his sweater vest.

Although this ‘casual’ fashion statement is helping him in the polls, not everyone is happy.  The Gap clothing store has recently posted record losses, and the primary cause of this is attributed to the lack of sales of sweater vests.

Stacey Jones, the manager of The Gap in Metrotown Burnaby, thinks she knows why sweater vest sales have dropped over the past few weeks.  “It’s because that Stephen Harper guy keeps wearing them in those commercials.  Seriously, who wants to look like Stephen Harper?  I know I don’t.”

The situation is so bad that customers who had previously purchased sweater vests in the past are now returning them.  Simon Timms bought his sweater vest 15 years ago and wore it at least once a week during that time.  Today he dropped off the vest at The Gap explaining that he did not want to be like Stephen Harper.  “I’m going to miss my sweater vest,” said Timms.  “My vest was a true friend, always there when I needed him, keeping my chest warm.”

In response to the abundance of sweater vests, The Gap has decided to donate them to the local shelter.  So, in a twist of irony, the sweater vests that Harper has made uncool, will now be keeping the people warm who Harper has made homeless.