Fin out of Rehab but into Mercury Rich Tuna and Salmon
January 29, 2009 by Kevin Brockman
The good news for Fin is that his stint in rehab was successful and he returned to the Canucks’ organization sober and ready to cheer on his beloved team. All charges were dropped by the San Jose Police department and tombstone victim Sammy Girdle was able to feel his toes last evening. Unfortunately, after last night’s embarrassing loss to the hapless Nashville Predators which saw the Canucks set a club record for most consecutive home losses with eight, Fin opted for an escape with deadly ramifications. This time, Fin’s anguish wasn’t drowned in a bottle of brown liquor. Fin’s thirst for escape from this terrible nightmare led to an overdose on the silvery poison that is mercury.
Eye-witness reports indicate that as Fin watched the Canuck’s 3-1 lead evaporate and become a 4-3 deficit he slid out of the booing arena and back to his six by nine cell in the bowels of General Motor’s place. There, Fin reportedly ate 6000 cans of tuna and massive chunks of salmon deemed unfit for human consumption. This seemingly harmless act of depression fueled overeating was recognized too late as an attempt to end his life. Knowing full well that the fish he was consuming was far beyond what scientists could classify as safe due, Fin ate until he could eat no more. While thousands of Vancouverites went to bed with anger in their hearts and a void in their souls, Fin also went to sleep.
On Thursday morning, Fin’s trainer Mobi Dique unlocked the triple-thick padlocks to his cell to find the fish unconscious on a pile of tuna fish cans and broken dreams. Several broken thermometers were also found beside his limp whale body and his blow hole no longer seemed to be taking in air. Fin was immediately rushed to the Canucks trainer responsible for the health of Roberto Luongo’s groin, Juceppi Wian. Sadly, Wian’s initial diagnosis that Fin was peacefully asleep was downgraded to dead when real doctors were brought in to verify Wian’s assessment.
Like the Canucks season, Fin passed away on Thursday morning from acute mercury poisoning. His 2000 pound body was dumped in the Burrard Inlet where his body and the high mercury levels coursing through it will be gradually reintroduced into the local ecosystem. At least for Fin, the torture and suffering is now over.
Sad news about Fin…..a truly great Orca
Oh Fin! wait his name does mean finish in french. Perhaps some foreshadowing?
Anyways, I thought you guys would like to check out our small business profile on the Vixen Squad. I think you’ll like it
In a world obsessed with the environment and food wastage, I cannot believe that Fin’s body was simply dumbed into the Burrard Inlet…What a waste.
If only I was consulted prior to his disposal, as I had a solution that could’ve greatly benefited both environmentalists and Canucks fans alike….
—Fin’s mercury-saturated remains should’ve been re-packaged into the recycled tuna cans he consumed, attractively labeled “Fin in a Tin” and marketed to the rival teams…(perhaps San Jose?)
…good for the environment, while providing the Canucks with a decent chance to actually win—– more than one.